Why He Withdraws

Relationship Experts Walk the Talk: It's Figs' turn in the hot seat, digging into a "You're inconsiderate" judgment of Teale to discover a deeper negative view of himself—"I'm not good enough."

March 9, 2023
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Why He Withdraws

Relationship Experts Walk the Talk: It's Figs' turn in the hot seat, digging into a "You're inconsiderate" judgment of Teale to discover a deeper negative view of himself—"I'm not good enough."

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"Why He Withdraws" is a follow-up to the last Figs & Teale episode, "Pursuer Problems," and it's Figs' turn for an "affect assembly" with Teale's help.

After just a bit of stalling, Figs describes a recent negative judgment of Teale after she didn't text him when she was out with her friends like he asked her to and then went out paddling the next morning before he woke up.

He describes these judgments as "inconsiderate," and then—hinting at the deeper vulnerability—"hypocritical" and "unreasonable."

Figs, in feeling not considered by Teale (a more classically Pursuer sensitivity) actually started to access all the times he felt judged as the inconsiderate one (his deeper Withdrawer "not enough" sensitivity).

He then, in touch with those feelings of not being good enough, tried to be "good" by not outwardly expressing those negative judgments of Teale—which Figs now knows was not actually the "right" thing to do.

While walking through Figs' negative judgments and feeling not good enough, Teale demonstrates her acceptance and love of Figs—which is hard for Figs, who is struggling to let it in, and who feels like it's unacceptable not to be able to.

In voicing that, however, Figs can see that Teale is also able to hold that "unacceptable" part of Figs, and he is able to experience relief and connection.

Transcript

FEATURED EPISODES

Triggering or Toxic?

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Seeing The Negative Cycle

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Behind the Therapists

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Why He Withdraws

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Impossible Moments

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Back From Betrayal

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Breakup Empathy

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Pursuer Problems

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Married to a Workaholic

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Don't try this at home

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Into The System

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Unsupervised

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Attachment, A to Z

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Sexy Times

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Failure To Reach

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Sharks in the Water

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Parenting

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Reflections

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Both Sides Now

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Safe With You

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Do You See Me?

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Colluding

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The Process

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Reeling

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Hurry Up and Wait

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Cycles

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Too Much, Not Enough

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