Speaker 1: Hello, everyone.

Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of the Come Here To Me podcast.

Speaker 1: This is a figs and teal episode.

Speaker 1: The relationship experts walk the talk.

Speaker 1: We're going to try and see if we can actually live up to our tagline, gulp, no pressure.

Speaker 1: So here's the thing.

Speaker 1: Today's show, what we're going to do is we want to see if we could outline exactly what the person in relationship that usually or may feel more often that they're not a priority to their partner or their partner cares less about the relationship than they do.

Speaker 1: What can you do if you're that person to improve yourself as a person and your relationship?

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Juicy.

Speaker 2: I like how you broke that down.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Speaker 1: I'm thinking this is an easy one for me because I have a little bit of that part of me, but in our relationship and teal.

Speaker 2: Yes, I am that person.

Speaker 1: Right there.

Speaker 1: You're more, you're more often to be that person.

Speaker 1: Of course, I have my moments, right?

Speaker 1: Okay, so let's see.

Speaker 1: Why don't we like see if we could actually frame it in terms of a process and then you're actually teal, you're going to be kind enough to do this work for reals.

Speaker 1: That's right.

Speaker 1: So if you're the person in relationship who often feels like you make the relationship more of a priority, you're the one that tries harder.

Speaker 1: How come your partner is not showing up?

Speaker 1: Look at you like, yeah, that's me.

Speaker 1: So this is really valid pain, right?

Speaker 1: Totally valid pain.

Speaker 1: Really valid frustrations.

Speaker 1: I feel you.

Speaker 1: Sister or brother or sibling, right?

Speaker 2: Or gender binary.

Speaker 1: Well, that's a sibling, right?

Speaker 1: A sibling.

Speaker 1: Oh, you're smart.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Speaker 1: So basically totally valid.

Speaker 1: But let's see, what can you do to work on your relationship?

Speaker 1: So Teal, you help me out here, but let's go through it step by step, right?

Speaker 1: The first thing, and we always have to come up, come back to the basics.

Speaker 1: First thing you can do is remember.

Speaker 1: You should always remember.

Speaker 2: You should remember that it's a system.

Speaker 1: It's a system.

Speaker 2: Two people.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: It always takes two to tango.

Speaker 2: You know what was so good in that moment?

Speaker 2: I actually was like such in a pursuer place that I was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: You're like, yeah, let's get talking about how you feel disappointed.

Speaker 2: How your partner is letting you down.

Speaker 1: See exactly.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 2: This is good.

Speaker 1: I've got this beautiful way for us to kind of emphasize.

Speaker 1: It's always a system.

Speaker 1: If you're in a negative story about the other person, they're hurting.

Speaker 1: They're in a negative story of you.

Speaker 1: You're hurting.

Speaker 1: All four things are always present.

Speaker 1: We won't go into more detail on that right now because, but let's be clear.

Speaker 1: Everything starts with your ability to see that it's a system that we're in with each other.

Speaker 1: So that's step one.

Speaker 1: Try and always come back to foundational skill.

Speaker 1: It's always a system.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: You're both hurting.

Speaker 1: You're both reacting in ways that hurt the person.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: So let's say we got that.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: The next thing is right.

Speaker 1: Can you go from story of other to experience of self, right?

Speaker 1: And we've talked about this before on the podcast, but let's say if you're new to this, what that basically means is, you know, you're in story of other like Teal.

Speaker 1: How many wonderfully negative stories do you have about me when we're in a cycle with each other?

Speaker 2: Oh, so many.

Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So, yeah.

Speaker 1: So look, you've got a negative story about the other person.

Speaker 1: Anytime you're in a negative story, what is the experience you're having inside of yourself?

Speaker 1: Can you make that transition from the negative story of the other person to two main things?

Speaker 1: One, there must be some flavor of love you're not getting.

Speaker 1: And when you're not getting that flavor of love, it hurts.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So that's like that.

Speaker 1: The experience of self is you can tell you're a negative story and you're in reactivity.

Speaker 1: And then what is it that's happening in me that I'm not getting that hurts so much?

Speaker 1: And what is the flavor?

Speaker 1: It hurts.

Speaker 1: So you got to be able to make that journey from story of other.

Speaker 1: I know I'm in story of other.

Speaker 1: I'm in reactivity.

Speaker 1: What am I not getting?

Speaker 1: And how does it hurt?

Speaker 1: And then the very last step of that journey is then you could share that vulnerable story of other with your significant other that just like five seconds earlier and for the last 20,000 years of your multiple lifetimes, you actually all you wanted to do is tell them how shit they are.

Speaker 1: But now you're actually going to describe your own vulnerable experience.

Speaker 1: And then the last thing, of course, is that you now armed with this knowledge of it's a system.

Speaker 1: You're not just a negative story of other.

Speaker 1: You knew you're in reactivity.

Speaker 1: You got what it is you're not getting.

Speaker 1: And you can feel the vulnerable feeling can share them.

Speaker 1: You could actually add to that, which I can't wait for later in this episode.

Speaker 1: Like you could add for that.

Speaker 1: Oh, my God, I actually see the negative impact I have been having on you.

Speaker 1: Previously thought of as just a shit partner in the relationship, right?

Speaker 1: OK, so that's a kind of quick summary of what you the person that it seems like you're the one that loves the most and you're the one that makes the relationship a priority.

Speaker 1: What you can do to make things better.

Speaker 1: So I'm going to hand it over to you to to see if you have the gumption.

Speaker 1: We're stealing from our kids, you know, truck books, right?

Speaker 1: You've got gumption to see if you could walk through that process with me.

Speaker 2: Great.

Speaker 2: OK, good.

Speaker 2: And I'm excited to say a little nervous to say that I I have I've got one that is an unprocessed one.

Speaker 2: So it's not like I've done this kind of dramatic self-discovery inside of myself.

Speaker 2: And I'm kind of coming out like this pure, pure baby that's not reactive.

Speaker 2: I'm actually kind of still in the story of other kind of trying to find.

Speaker 2: The we're in a cycle together.

Speaker 2: Like I have I have that I know that.

Speaker 1: But let's do it for real.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And I love that the best place to start is from the reactive story of other don't even try and be good yet.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 2: So so, yeah, everyone can.

Speaker 2: I mean, most people that are listening can can probably, you know, relate to thinking my partner sucks at this or I'm really annoyed about that or this is a place where I'm feeling not like we're a team.

Speaker 2: And so should I say the thing that I'm kind of like feeling activated about?

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: No, you give the negative story of me.

Speaker 1: OK, don't don't hold back.

Speaker 1: No, we won't.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: You've got to start from the on process.

Speaker 2: I mean, it's not just like a pure grenade like.

Speaker 2: So this is around something that I feel complicated about.

Speaker 2: And it's that figs is paddling season is going to start like like in a month, maybe, maybe in a couple of weeks.

Speaker 2: I don't even know.

Speaker 2: I don't think he shares with me because he's terrified.

Speaker 2: He knows I support him.

Speaker 2: I bringing signed figs up for paddling two years ago.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 2: Like I'm on board.

Speaker 1: By the way, most people probably don't know what paddling is.

Speaker 2: Ocean like just madness.

Speaker 1: Ocean canoeing.

Speaker 2: Ocean canoeing.

Speaker 2: Six six people in a canoe going through the water quickly and skillfully and intensely.

Speaker 2: And it takes it takes a lot of time.

Speaker 2: And I love that.

Speaker 2: And because he's exercising, he's with community.

Speaker 2: And those are all things I've wanted for figs.

Speaker 2: And in fact, I've been kind of activated about him not working out in the past or not cultivating community.

Speaker 2: So years later, now he's doing it and paddling.

Speaker 2: There's an on season.

Speaker 2: There's an off season.

Speaker 2: We've been in the off season and I've been soaking my delicious figs up at home, loving having him around.

Speaker 2: And I'm feeling like a little a little maybe critical.

Speaker 2: I'm having so many words come into my brain that I can't even like hone in.

Speaker 2: But it's like frustrated, critical, alone, scared, excited, like kind of judgmental of myself.

Speaker 2: Like, why aren't I just like, this is awesome.

Speaker 2: One hundred percent.

Speaker 2: The fact that I have this is awesome.

Speaker 2: One hundred percent.

Speaker 2: And I also have parts of me that are like, where is fix going?

Speaker 2: And he's like leaving me on my own kind of a lot to manage these these wild children of ours and all their activities.

Speaker 1: So wait a second, because you're so good right now.

Speaker 1: I was really touching and see how you don't like your reactivity and your negative judgment of me.

Speaker 1: So it's hard to say it.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: But look, it's there.

Speaker 1: No, look, it's there.

Speaker 1: It's there.

Speaker 1: And so let me just see if I get the negative judgment of me.

Speaker 1: The negative judgment is I'm it sounds very dramatic, but like I'm an abandoner.

Speaker 1: You're leaving me alone.

Speaker 1: You care about something else more than being with me and your family.

Speaker 1: Well, you're you're what else?

Speaker 1: What else would it be?

Speaker 1: Go on.

Speaker 1: If you really let yourself say, go on, let yourself say.

Speaker 2: OK, like like selfish, great, selfish.

Speaker 1: And then, of course, and I'm in love with myself.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Like, oh, look at everybody laughing at things.

Speaker 1: All right.

Speaker 1: Like you do now.

Speaker 2: No.

Speaker 2: And what do you like?

Speaker 2: Kind of possess it like, oh, he's he's like having a life outside of me.

Speaker 1: And it's like, oh, I mean, there's a part of it.

Speaker 1: I know you don't like.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 2: Well, that's it's less alive for me.

Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean, that's part of it.

Speaker 2: I can see.

Speaker 2: So so as you guys can see, and I'm sure for those of you that are relating to some complex issue, you're going to as you kind of do what's called this affect assembly, really like honing in what are all the parts you can tell I'm a multiplicity.

Speaker 2: I am not like he's just selfish because I'm feeling actually sad on the inside.

Speaker 2: I'm feeling all sorts of complicated feelings like celebration, excitement, fear, maybe anxiety, possessiveness.

Speaker 1: Yeah, but this is like, look, you know, it's just interesting.

Speaker 1: I know, but you're you're OK with me doing this with you.

Speaker 1: Like one of the things that.

Speaker 1: Like we have to be able to help people do is just be the critical part, just be the reactive.

Speaker 1: OK, don't you're doing an amazing job.

Speaker 1: And look, I don't like this part of me.

Speaker 1: And I actually really am supportive.

Speaker 1: But just for a second.

Speaker 2: All right.

Speaker 1: Nothing.

Speaker 2: Let me just let me just be like an average pursuer, which is who I really am.

Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just like, like, be like one of these good.

Speaker 1: Yeah, don't be good.

Speaker 1: What's the judgment?

Speaker 1: Like, just go for it.

Speaker 2: OK, yeah.

Speaker 2: Just like an abandoned abandoner and selfish.

Speaker 1: I'm an abandoner.

Speaker 1: I'm selfish.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: So judgments of of other.

Speaker 2: Here we go.

Speaker 1: I'm inconsiderate, right?

Speaker 1: Because you're here with the kids.

Speaker 1: Look at you heading off for 15 hours a week paddling.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And your little sport, little canoe.

Speaker 2: With your little speedo.

Speaker 2: Oh, yes.

Speaker 2: No speed.

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 1: Now we're all Hawaiian board shorts here.

Speaker 1: Very long.

Speaker 1: But OK, so so that's good.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: I'm a selfish person.

Speaker 1: I'm inconsiderate.

Speaker 1: I'm an abandoner leaving you with the kids, taking off 15 hours a week.

Speaker 1: Don't don't cut it down.

Speaker 2: OK, good.

Speaker 2: That's good.

Speaker 2: That's what it is.

Speaker 1: That's the judgment that comes up and it comes up from deep.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And you're in negative story of me.

Speaker 1: And you either say it explicitly or just literally it leaks out of you.

Speaker 1: Like, I get it.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Regardless of how you say you're supportive.

Speaker 1: I love that you're paddling.

Speaker 1: You're like, fuck you.

Speaker 1: I get that.

Speaker 1: Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 1: I'll see you in a couple of hours.

Speaker 1: You selfish, abandoning asshole.

Speaker 1: That's inconsiderate.

Speaker 2: Have a great cabinet that we're like, I'm like, here's dinner.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Oh, did you have fun?

Speaker 1: Eat this.

Speaker 1: You fucker.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: OK, but OK.

Speaker 1: So but that's good.

Speaker 1: Look, let's be explicit.

Speaker 1: Right there.

Speaker 1: That's the negative judgment that comes out.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: OK, so you're in negative judgment.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 1: You know, it's actually a system.

Speaker 1: Wait a second.

Speaker 1: If I'm hurting, feeling alone, I see him negatively.

Speaker 1: He probably sees me negatively.

Speaker 1: I said it jokingly.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, oh, my God.

Speaker 1: Teal is, oh, she's a bunny boiler.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And I'm feeling I'm never going to be enough system.

Speaker 1: OK, now, what's the story?

Speaker 1: What's the experience of self that you could describe?

Speaker 1: So when you see me so negatively as the abandoner, right?

Speaker 1: Selfish.

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 1: What's the flavor of love that you're not getting and the vulnerable experience that touches inside you?

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 2: OK, let me call.

Speaker 2: Let me let me call my my really regretting this.

Speaker 2: I am.

Speaker 2: I'm really like you're in the hot.

Speaker 1: You're starting to sweat.

Speaker 1: It's winter here.

Speaker 1: We're having our first day of winter in Hawaii.

Speaker 1: And now you're looking hot.

Speaker 2: I am hot.

Speaker 1: You are hot, but a different type of hot.

Speaker 1: Well, go on.

Speaker 2: Go on.

Speaker 1: OK, so what is it that you're not getting?

Speaker 1: What's the flavor of love that you're not getting?

Speaker 2: Um, I I'm connecting with the part of myself that feels like the missing parts, the like.

Speaker 2: I miss you and I don't know if I'm good with the kids sometimes.

Speaker 2: And and I don't like myself when I'm like slamming the cabinet.

Speaker 2: And anyway, it's it's hard not to.

Speaker 2: It's hard not to kind of cross the other part of the shame.

Speaker 1: Part of the vulnerable.

Speaker 2: Like it's not it's not like you're like sometimes I think there might be something where I'm more just like things is really letting me down on this.

Speaker 2: But this I can feel a lot of complex shame feelings about myself, which is probably not a surprise to those of you that are relating to this.

Speaker 2: As you start to kind of climb into your experience, the story of yourself, maybe that's part of the fervency around the story of other right is because there is feelings.

Speaker 2: It's the sadness.

Speaker 2: Maybe he doesn't want to be around me.

Speaker 2: Maybe I don't fill his buckets like like maybe I don't deserve someone that is here.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 2: And then I also kind of climb into my own my own sort of, you know, other parts of the spiral, like why aren't I more supportive and showing all the races?

Speaker 2: And am I a good mom without a co-parent?

Speaker 1: OK, but wait, slow down.

Speaker 1: So these are really good.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But again, but it is good to notice you go into the feeling that too muchness and the not enoughness and the shame that I shouldn't have reactivity is really big.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: But just for a moment, we're going to name that part.

Speaker 1: But I want to go back to the attachment need.

Speaker 1: And we got a hint of what the attachment need is when you said I feel alone.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Because what is the if alone is the pain?

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: What would be the need then?

Speaker 1: If alone is the pain that I have when I don't have this particular flavor of love.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: So it's like a math equation.

Speaker 1: If I feel alone, what is it that I'm not getting that actually really matters to me?

Speaker 2: Like reassurance.

Speaker 2: Reassurance.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Or togetherness.

Speaker 1: We're together.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: We're a team.

Speaker 1: You're here.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like you're actually here.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Just like, you know, like a baby.

Speaker 1: Like, oh, mom is here.

Speaker 1: You like that.

Speaker 2: Don't stop.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: But that's it.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: That's still in there.

Speaker 1: It's like I got like you supportive of paddling.

Speaker 1: I love paddling.

Speaker 1: But then as soon as I go paddling, this is you're not getting that.

Speaker 1: So so it's really good to like, you know, this is the thing that pathogenic shame stuff like can take over.

Speaker 1: But togetherness matters so much that while I cognitively I'm supportive of you paddling, I actually end up losing the like, I'm like chewing on mom's like nipple.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: No, just like togetherness.

Speaker 2: That really that really touched me because it's true.

Speaker 2: I feel that it's that's so helpful.

Speaker 2: Like just putting words to that kind of deep, deep closeness.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 2: And not having that right is really sad for me and really scary for me.

Speaker 2: And then, you know, like I can't tolerate that.

Speaker 2: And then it might tell me things about myself.

Speaker 2: I might have some of that complicated shame stuff that comes up.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 2: And then it's so much easier.

Speaker 2: It's just so much easier to think bigs is a selfish abandoner.

Speaker 1: Okay, that actually got me in touch with the aloneness and not getting togetherness that he promised me.

Speaker 1: And now I have to touch all this complex negative stories about myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way and I shouldn't be negative.

Speaker 1: And I'm like, like, am I good on my own?

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, it makes sense.

Speaker 1: It touches really complicated feelings, but really important to organize them.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: The deep attachment need togetherness.

Speaker 1: And when it's not here, I feel really alone.

Speaker 1: And then I can start because remember, shame is an accompanying emotion.

Speaker 1: Whenever we're feeling abandoned or rejected, shame comes along and goes, hello, I'm here too.

Speaker 1: Now you get to feel like you're too much or not enough.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: And so you're like, oh, my God, look at me being negative.

Speaker 1: I'm a bad person.

Speaker 1: I'm a good mother.

Speaker 1: So shame freaking comes along for the ride to make it even worse.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: It's really good.

Speaker 1: So negative story of figs.

Speaker 1: Wait a second.

Speaker 1: What am I not getting?

Speaker 1: I'm not getting togetherness that I crave.

Speaker 1: It's my primary love need.

Speaker 1: And then I end up feeling really bad about myself.

Speaker 1: And then I cannot tolerate that emotional cocktail.

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 1: And then you rise up and say, here's your fucking dinner.

Speaker 1: You fucking cunt.

Speaker 1: Sorry.

Speaker 1: Sorry.

Speaker 1: You don't have to use those words, but that's what it feels like on the receiving end.

Speaker 1: I curse.

Speaker 1: I use that coconut.

Speaker 1: Sorry.

Speaker 1: We didn't say coconut there.

Speaker 1: I'm sorry.

Speaker 2: Coconut is my clients.

Speaker 1: No, did I curse in session?

Speaker 1: So for podcast listeners, I'm really, really sorry.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 2: And our kids curse, like, stop.

Speaker 1: Don't be telling them.

Speaker 1: They don't see.

Speaker 1: I don't say the C words with the kids.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: But that's really good.

Speaker 1: But come here.

Speaker 1: We, you know, to experience this up to go from story of other to experience of self.

Speaker 1: You did a really good job, right?

Speaker 1: Figs is an abandoning, selfish, inconsiderate fucker, right?

Speaker 1: Coconut.

Speaker 1: And now you are like, wait a second.

Speaker 1: That's the negative story.

Speaker 1: I'm in when I don't feel the togetherness that means so much.

Speaker 1: And I'm actually lonely.

Speaker 1: And I'm now having all these, like, shame feelings.

Speaker 1: And so no wonder I can't tolerate that.

Speaker 1: And I rise up into reactivity and negative story with Figs, which, of course, now Figs feels like he's never going to be enough.

Speaker 1: And now he's going to, like, stay paddling for an extra five hours.

Speaker 1: Oh, is it dark?

Speaker 1: Oh, I didn't make it home.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Because I'm scared of getting the dinner thrown at me when I get in the door.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So, yeah.

Speaker 1: So you can see the system part.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: But that's brilliant.

Speaker 1: That's okay.

Speaker 1: So, so remember, then the last part, I mean, the second last part, the way we described it is then you would actually be able to share that vulnerably with your partner.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 2: Wow.

Speaker 1: So you let's try it.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Just like we would, you know, in a session, create an enactment.

Speaker 1: You're being very good.

Speaker 1: Let me coach you.

Speaker 2: I think you're very good.

Speaker 2: You're, you're, you're, you're working me over here.

Speaker 1: This is how I get what I want.

Speaker 1: I just say, let's do a podcast.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: Like an enactment.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: So basically on the outside, I can look really critical of you and angry and frustrated, and I can like kind of shut, shut the door.

Speaker 2: I can kind of, you know, close the cabinets in loud ways.

Speaker 2: And on the inside, I'm feeling some complicated feelings around like loneliness and how much I want you to be close to me and how I really just want to be near you.

Speaker 2: And then, and some like other like shame feelings, especially around something that I've been advocating for and find you up for and celebrating in so many parts of me.

Speaker 2: So I just feel really bad about myself.

Speaker 2: And then I kind of protect myself with this like veil that looks just kind of critical of you.

Speaker 2: And, and I know I kind of give it to an all angles where I'm like, this is so great.

Speaker 2: And then I'm also like, just kind of mean.

Speaker 2: So I bet that's so complicated and confusing.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Well, thank you.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: I mean, for sharing, right?

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Just take a moment, right?

Speaker 1: Because I know what we do in a therapy session, right?

Speaker 1: Before I would answer, right?

Speaker 1: I would stay with you, right?

Speaker 1: If we're, if I was actually your therapist, right?

Speaker 1: I would actually stay with you before I say, well, you know, what does it feel like to look at me and put together the reactivity and then the unmet love need and the vulnerable feeling and actually look at me and tell me now the experience of self.

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 2: It feels really good and just real.

Speaker 2: Like it's just real.

Speaker 2: And then, I mean, it's definitely vulnerable.

Speaker 2: Like it's, I think I have like, Oh, I don't want you to like not paddle.

Speaker 2: Cause I see that, you know, there's like the parts that want to just.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: You're worried.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: I kind of get into the, like, like what bad could happen.

Speaker 1: Um, you jump into the future.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: You know, so, but I'd say that the overwhelming feeling is kind of like relief.

Speaker 2: Like that is what's happening.

Speaker 2: And, and you know what, this was an unprocessed cycle for me.

Speaker 2: And so I feel the relief of that, the satisfaction of it.

Speaker 2: I feel a little nervous.

Speaker 2: Like I said, like, how is he going to respond and like, what could happen?

Speaker 2: So I feel that kind of like little kid part.

Speaker 2: That's maybe a little bit anxious.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Well, Hey, I mean, look, really.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Speaker 1: I'll tell you what it's like to hear.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing.

Speaker 1: It really means a lot.

Speaker 1: Like, it's amazing how it just, I really just really take in you saying, look, I have actually been disappointed in you.

Speaker 1: I have been reactive.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like that feels really good.

Speaker 1: Cause it's just like, it's like someone like, it's just like saying like, like, I'm not crazy.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: Cause it's like, you know, the way you're like, I'm very supportive of your path.

Speaker 1: You fuck.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, like you're acknowledging the, you, you fuck.

Speaker 1: It's like, oh my God, that helps me so much.

Speaker 1: It's such a gift.

Speaker 1: And then of course, to hear that the reason you're mad at me is deep.

Speaker 1: The deepest reason.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Is that togetherness means so much to you that you're actually feeling lonely and in pain when you're not there, when I'm not here.

Speaker 1: And then you end up getting into feeling bad about yourself for having such big longings for love and feeling like you're too much or not enough.

Speaker 1: Like, it just really helps me understand.

Speaker 1: I mean, it makes me realize how loved I am.

Speaker 1: It really matters that you can be in pain when I'm not here, emotionally speaking, and it helps put into context why you would be.

Speaker 1: I was paneling, right?

Speaker 1: Like whatever way it leaks out.

Speaker 1: You know, the criticism or disappointment in me.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: It's really nice.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Speaker 1: It really helps.

Speaker 1: No, I feel, I feel so much better to start paddling 20 hours a week.

Speaker 1: 15.

Speaker 1: Now I can go up to that.

Speaker 1: But it's really helpful.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

Speaker 2: It's really nice.

Speaker 1: Every part of that really helps me understand you.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: And I'm not.

Speaker 1: And it helps me not have to be avoidant or just treat you like you're, you know, the way like now treat you like you're like, like a serial killer that could let go, get loose at any moment.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I can feel like that.

Speaker 2: He's kind of scared of me.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 2: And, you know, it only feeds into me feeling more like shit about myself.

Speaker 2: Then it's like, no, he doesn't want to be around me.

Speaker 2: I'm a scary person.

Speaker 2: Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 2: Like who is bagging on their partner for like being healthy and having community?

Speaker 2: I'm just like a crap person.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Well, that's it.

Speaker 1: You it touches the stem.

Speaker 1: I'm too much.

Speaker 1: Look, I'm bad.

Speaker 1: And then you feel bad right now.

Speaker 2: As you're saying, like that touches you.

Speaker 2: It makes you happy.

Speaker 2: It makes you feel relieved.

Speaker 2: It makes you feel like the crazy making part, which is like, I want you to paddle.

Speaker 2: And then like you fucker like that.

Speaker 2: That makes sense, too.

Speaker 2: I love that.

Speaker 2: We're acknowledging that it helps really.

Speaker 2: But it also helps just organize it for me.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: Because I haven't really realized that this is what's happening.

Speaker 1: And so.

Speaker 1: So helpful to go through this right here.

Speaker 1: We are experts and every time just picking something and going through it and really breaking it down.

Speaker 1: It's so, so helpful.

Speaker 1: Thank you, sweetie.

Speaker 1: OK, so let's see.

Speaker 1: I know we've been to like doing our own little you're like, hello, we're here.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And I don't know why I'm pulling my ear.

Speaker 1: But why are you OK?

Speaker 1: Let's see if we put it all together again.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: For the listeners and viewers.

Speaker 1: OK, what can you do if you are like Teal in relationship where sometimes you feel like you're the one that cares the most and sometimes you feel like I'm all alone.

Speaker 1: I'm not being considered.

Speaker 1: Why aren't you spending time with us?

Speaker 1: Why are you spending your time working with your your little paddle buddies and your little speedos out on the ocean?

Speaker 2: Now I am going to be going.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: Now you're there with the binoculars.

Speaker 1: When I told the police that there's some creepy lady in the bushes watching us.

Speaker 2: In disguise.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: But OK, but so what can you do?

Speaker 1: You can do what Teal just did is you can notice first, right, that you're in a negative story of the other person.

Speaker 1: If you're in a negative story, the other person, they're definitely going to be in a negative story of you explicitly or implicitly.

Speaker 1: And why are you a negative story?

Speaker 1: You're hurting and they're hurting, too.

Speaker 1: All four of those things are always true.

Speaker 1: And then you can make the journey just like Teal did.

Speaker 1: You did so beautifully of going from negative story to wait a second.

Speaker 1: There must be a flavor of love.

Speaker 1: I'm not getting togetherness.

Speaker 1: And it means so much.

Speaker 1: It's so deep that it's actually really lonely for me.

Speaker 1: And actually, then I can feel so bad about that part of myself that feels alone when I'm not in togetherness.

Speaker 1: I actually then it gets combined, right?

Speaker 1: Hello.

Speaker 1: Shame shows up.

Speaker 1: I feel bad about myself.

Speaker 1: And that cocktail of human experience, vulnerable experience is so painful that Teal, you rise up.

Speaker 1: That's actually where the reactivity and the negative view of me comes from.

Speaker 1: You fucker figs for going off paddling.

Speaker 1: And the cycle starts.

Speaker 1: But instead of just letting that happen unconsciously, you actually put it all together.

Speaker 1: And then we're able to share it with me.

Speaker 1: You know, when I have this negative view of you and I'm looking at you negatively, I'm actually not feeling togetherness.

Speaker 1: And I feel really bad about myself and share it vulnerably.

Speaker 1: What helps me not now treat you like you're a serial killer that could like I could be the next victim at any moment, right?

Speaker 1: Which, of course, is going to make you feel worse about yourself.

Speaker 1: I was actually able to wait a second.

Speaker 1: That actually totally makes sense.

Speaker 1: You love me so much when we're not together.

Speaker 1: No wonder it hurts.

Speaker 1: And you can feel bad about yourself.

Speaker 1: I actually get where your negativity is coming from.

Speaker 1: And now you and I can feel more connected.

Speaker 2: Yeah, good.

Speaker 2: So good.

Speaker 1: I think that's a good summary.

Speaker 2: I think you nailed that.

Speaker 1: I hope it's okay to put it all together.

Speaker 1: What was it like to hear it all together?

Speaker 2: Listen, it's wonderful.

Speaker 2: It's so helpful.

Speaker 2: I feel like less shame because remember, shame is like a spider.

Speaker 2: It loves like the darkness in the corner.

Speaker 2: So when it's, you know, shown the light, it's like, oh, I'm not terrible.

Speaker 2: Actually, everyone knows about this part of me.

Speaker 2: And that most of all, you know about that part of me.

Speaker 2: And it is tragic if we're not doing this, because what do we see on the outside?

Speaker 2: We see me looking upset.

Speaker 2: You're already maybe feeling your own complicated feelings about going when you love being with your family, our family.

Speaker 2: And then you see me slam in the freaking cabinets, right?

Speaker 1: By the way, you keep using an example.

Speaker 1: Luckily, I must have been far down the hill when you're like the neighbors might be hearing the cabinets.

Speaker 1: I've missed the cabinet slamming.

Speaker 2: Luckily, I'll make it more obvious.

Speaker 2: But it's a, it's a tragedy because then figs is going to feel scared of me.

Speaker 2: And then he's going to move away from me.

Speaker 2: And I'm going to be left with my own feelings of I want closeness.

Speaker 2: And everything that I was showing on the outside was pushing you away, making you feel bad about yourself and feeling scared of me.

Speaker 2: So this feels like nourishment.

Speaker 2: Feels like possibility.

Speaker 1: It's great.

Speaker 1: Would you just added that last piece, which was now instead of only seeing the way I'm being selfish by paddling an inconsiderate and the impact I'm having on you, when we put it together, now you're actually seeing, oh, I see how my reactivity is actually hurting you figs, making you scared of me, moving away from me.

Speaker 1: Your behavior now makes a sense in response to my reactivity, right?

Speaker 1: Because you're having valid, unmet love things, not because you're bad and you're actually having complicated feelings of too muchness inside.

Speaker 1: Amazing, right?

Speaker 1: Yeah, totally different way to approach paddling season and many other issues.

Speaker 1: OK, so so I think that I hope that's helpful for you.

Speaker 1: I know that's really fast.

Speaker 1: Remember, this is all Teal and I do.

Speaker 1: And there are so many different steps in there.

Speaker 1: But this is what if you are the person that can feel alone in relationship or not together, why are you prioritizing other things?

Speaker 1: Giving advice to your partner, get telling them even more how crap they are.

Speaker 1: It's it's the easy thing to do, but it's not going to help.

Speaker 1: It's not going to work.

Speaker 1: Let Teal be your model or your role model.

Speaker 1: What she just did right now, this if you can do this part, just like Teal, be like Teal.

Speaker 1: You will vastly improve your relationship.

Speaker 2: Teal for president.

Speaker 1: You got my vote.

Speaker 1: Definitely right, because you know what would happen if I didn't vote for you.

Speaker 1: OK, so come here.

Speaker 1: That was good.

Speaker 1: We're going to we're going to let you go.

Speaker 2: We're going to go snuggle.

Speaker 1: Let's do it.

Speaker 1: I mean, snuggle.

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 1: OK, bye.

Speaker 1: Thank you.

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