Speaker 1: Even that couple.

Speaker 1: I know the exact process they'd have to go through.

Speaker 1: There's a chance.

Speaker 1: Welcome back to Come Here To Me.

Speaker 1: Today, I'm joined again by Steph, our creative director and the producer of the Come Here To Me podcast.

Speaker 1: Hi, Steph.

Speaker 2: Hi.

Speaker 1: Good to hear your voice.

Speaker 1: Today, what we're going to do is we have another short video that we wanted to do a little analysis of.

Speaker 1: The reason we picked this video is it literally came across my feed.

Speaker 1: I was a guest on Violet Benson's podcast, Almost Adulting.

Speaker 1: Violet is a wonderful podcaster on all things relationship.

Speaker 1: I think it's fair to say Gen Z, millennials.

Speaker 1: She's awesome.

Speaker 1: Been honored to be on her show twice.

Speaker 1: And she just had, look, I rarely I'm on Instagram.

Speaker 1: And for whatever reason, I saw this video and I had to give it a heart.

Speaker 1: It just touches on something that is so real in many people's experience of love and relationship.

Speaker 1: And of course I shared it with my wife, Teal, and she loved it.

Speaker 1: And I shared it with half our neighbors.

Speaker 1: You know, everybody's like, you go girl.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And so let's watch it.

Speaker 1: And then I'll share why I think it's actually important to enjoy it at first, but then go a little bit deeper in what's really going on in the video.

Speaker 2: I'm not playing with you.

Speaker 2: I want my eggs cracked, meaning I want a child.

Speaker 2: I want my name dropped, meaning I want to be married.

Speaker 2: I'm not around with you.

Speaker 2: I am not your bed maiden.

Speaker 2: I am not your maid.

Speaker 2: I am not your floozy or your.

Speaker 2: You are going to have to give me something substantial because I know I'm worth that.

Speaker 1: I'm not all there.

Speaker 1: Sometimes I have my moments, but I know one thing I'm good to you.

Speaker 1: Wow.

Speaker 1: Wonderful.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And look at first, when I watch it, it's very like amusing to see someone so articulately protest, like share, I deserve to be loved.

Speaker 1: I want to be chosen in just such powerful language.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Funny.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like I want to get my eggs cracked.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 2: Like, yeah.

Speaker 2: And then the context of like date one.

Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: For the listeners, the meme is titled, this is what I'm like on date one.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: But look, this is a real experience.

Speaker 1: You know, many people can have, especially women can have is that they want to be, feel chosen, respected a priority, loved, right.

Speaker 1: Wanted.

Speaker 1: And you know, they don't necessarily have that experience and it's actually very vulnerable.

Speaker 1: It's very painful.

Speaker 1: Now, as you brought up Steph, to be fair, we have zero idea.

Speaker 1: I don't know what it looks like.

Speaker 1: This is from a TV show.

Speaker 1: I have no idea if this is their 10th date.

Speaker 1: He's already betrayed her and she's protesting.

Speaker 1: I mean, no, they're not married.

Speaker 1: Cause she wants them to drop her name.

Speaker 1: Meaning I want to be married.

Speaker 1: We don't know if it is the first date.

Speaker 1: And she's like, before appetizers, let me tell you who I am.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like no idea.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But if we did take it just as a snapshot, just this one minute as a representation of a couple, any couple where one person is saying what the woman in this video says, right.

Speaker 1: And the other person is sitting there listening the way the man in the video is listening, we can actually make some pretty valid conjecture.

Speaker 1: It is conjecture, but I think it's safe to make that conjecture about what's actually really happening between them, what they're actually both feeling on the inside now, or what they felt in the past that would lead them to both behave the way they're behaving.

Speaker 1: The woman to say what she's saying, the man to sit there and not saying a word.

Speaker 1: What I love about this video is interestingly, if let's say that couple was going to actually crack some eggs, drop some names, the woman gets all she deserves and the man was going to be good enough for her, she wasn't going to be disappointed in him.

Speaker 1: I know the exact process they'd have to go through literally just this one minute.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like I always say, like both people come to couples counseling.

Speaker 1: They each have their own video where they press play.

Speaker 1: This is where the problem started.

Speaker 1: Of course, it always started with the other person being the problem in the relationship.

Speaker 1: And what I got to try and convince them to do is let's put the videos on the shelf for a minute, right.

Speaker 1: And let's try and solve the snapshot, the literal single frame of right now.

Speaker 1: And if we froze this one minute TikTok, Instagram reel, whatever it's called, right, at any one frame, there are four main things that are happening all at the same time.

Speaker 1: And so the first thing we'd have to do is help this couple actually realize and be able to see that all four things are happening all at the same time.

Speaker 1: And the fact that all four things are happening, it actually makes sense.

Speaker 1: Okay.

Speaker 1: So what are those four things?

Speaker 1: The first one is the most obvious.

Speaker 1: It's the most clear is the woman in the video is protesting.

Speaker 1: She is protesting not having her needs met, whether it's she hasn't had her needs met by him in particular in the past, or she hasn't had her needs met by men in the past, which like, if you think about the context of just as a meme is probably the way that people using the meme are reacting to it.

Speaker 2: It's like, I relate to this because this is how I have been treated as a generalization.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: That's what I like.

Speaker 1: This woman is many people's hero that she's saying out loud, what they're containing in a first date.

Speaker 1: Like, are you another one?

Speaker 1: That's just not going to actually choose me fully be the father of my children, marry me, right?

Speaker 1: Like totally valid that if people have felt dropped, not really chosen, not met the way they long to be, they would protest, right?

Speaker 1: Most of us are just not as good at protesting as this woman.

Speaker 1: She's like Olympic gold medalist, right?

Speaker 1: Level protester at not feeling chosen, not feeling loved.

Speaker 1: And she's like, look, I'm not taking it anymore.

Speaker 1: And I'm willing to live with the consequences of you walk out of the restaurant because I'm going to, I am going to protest till the cows come home.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Mixing up cultural, right.

Speaker 1: References, right.

Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to protest till the cows come home, like all day long, right.

Speaker 1: From sunrise to sunset that I'm not putting up with not being chosen again.

Speaker 1: I'm just not right.

Speaker 1: I won't even sit through the dinner.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Good for her.

Speaker 1: Now here's the thing though.

Speaker 1: The only reason anyone protests like that, right.

Speaker 1: And becomes that competent at protesting is there's another little vulnerable person inside of her that's been really, really hurt.

Speaker 1: So we could say just with her, there's two women actually in the video, right?

Speaker 1: There's the one that's actually doing all the talking and she's, I've reset very good at it.

Speaker 1: Don't be rejecting me.

Speaker 1: Like, you know, you choose me.

Speaker 1: You make me pregnant.

Speaker 1: You marry me.

Speaker 1: That's what I deserve.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: There's that one that's very competent, very articulate, but the only reason she's developed that level of ability to protest so well is there's a more vulnerable one inside of her that feels unchosen, not a priority.

Speaker 1: And when she feels not chosen, not a priority, not loved the way she longs to be, it's actually very sad, scary place for her.

Speaker 1: So this is really important, right?

Speaker 1: That no one talks the way that woman is talking without having gotten really hurt before.

Speaker 1: Again, the people that laugh at that meme, of course, that's why they're laughing and they're not laughing.

Speaker 1: The woman they're like laughing with her, like, thank you.

Speaker 1: I get it.

Speaker 1: I have been hurt like that.

Speaker 1: And that's what I want to say to protect the one that's been hurting inside.

Speaker 1: So it's great.

Speaker 1: So now we know the two, her great protester, and she actually has a person inside her that's been really hurt by not feeling chosen either currently with this person or in the past.

Speaker 1: And she's scared.

Speaker 1: She's saying it because I'm really scared.

Speaker 1: I'm at risk of not being chosen again.

Speaker 1: I'm going to invest time with you on every second.

Speaker 1: I invest more time with you on this date, the next date, right?

Speaker 1: I am at risk of getting hurt again.

Speaker 1: So she comes out totally understandably.

Speaker 1: She takes action.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And says, I am not going to sit at risk of being hurt again.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But of course she doesn't say it that way.

Speaker 1: She says it better than I could ever even dream that I could tell someone I am going to protect myself at all costs right now.

Speaker 2: Well, the way that you are describing the way people are relating to this woman, it reminds me a little bit of the succession episode that you did where people relate to Connor and there's a kind of like recognition of a, would you consider that to be like a character strategy?

Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: So like she's in character strategy.

Speaker 1: I'm going to be very articulate, very competent at sharing.

Speaker 1: I'm not the kind of person you want to abandon, right?

Speaker 1: I'm not the kind of person you want to not choose.

Speaker 1: I am really tough.

Speaker 1: So that is the character strategy.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And again, she's brilliant at it.

Speaker 1: And then Connor in succession, he looks really competent that I don't even need love, but remember that the music is actually very sad.

Speaker 1: So the producers of the show help us see through the character strategy and access and feel for the actual invisible Connor, which is one who has been really hurt in the past by his dad, primarily in his mom, not being good enough, being rejected, not accepted.

Speaker 1: Right now he's being hurt by Willow, his fiance not being there for him in that scene, and he's at risk of being hurt in the future.

Speaker 1: So he deploys a character strategy.

Speaker 1: I don't need love, right?

Speaker 1: I'm a plant that grows on rocks that can live with minimal amounts of love.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And, and of course the producers help us add music.

Speaker 1: They help us realize, oh my God, seeing someone's character strategy, when you really understand what's actually happening inside them, it's heartbreaking.

Speaker 2: So, yeah.

Speaker 2: I wonder if we played music underneath the woman speaking, if it would be totally differently.

Speaker 2: I'm not playing with you.

Speaker 2: I want my eggs cracked.

Speaker 2: Meaning I want a child.

Speaker 2: I want my name dropped meaning.

Speaker 2: I want to be married.

Speaker 2: I'm not around with you.

Speaker 2: I am not your bed Maiden.

Speaker 2: I am not your maid.

Speaker 2: I am not your smoothie or your, you are going to have to give me something substantial because I know I'm worth that.

Speaker 2: I'm not all there.

Speaker 1: Sometimes I have my moments, but I know one thing I'm good.

Speaker 1: To you.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: It's actually heartbreaking.

Speaker 1: That's the point, right?

Speaker 1: This is great.

Speaker 1: I love that step, right?

Speaker 1: Because when you understand who someone is and what they've gone through, and then you see their character strategy.

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 1: I'm, I'm not dismissing their character strategy.

Speaker 1: I hear them.

Speaker 1: I hear the words they're saying.

Speaker 1: I respect you that this is how you protect yourself.

Speaker 1: Good for you.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: This is real.

Speaker 1: But I also get, I'm feeling my heart, my heartbreak for the little one inside you that has been so hurt in the past is hurting now and is scared you're going to be hurt in the future.

Speaker 1: So with her, we have her character strategy, the way she can be tough and so articulate and competent and letting people know I'm not the kind of person to hurt right now, but we actually get a glimpse of the invisible one through how good she is at her character strategy that, Ooh, to be saying that you must have gotten really hurt before.

Speaker 1: You must be hurting right now and you must be at risk right now, getting hurt again in the future.

Speaker 1: So it actually opens.

Speaker 1: Not only do we find her amusing and like, you know, yeah, good for you.

Speaker 1: We actually could have our hearts break for her.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: But that's how she presents now, less obvious to people.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But let's do him, right?

Speaker 1: This guy in the video who we never hear say a word, right?

Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2: You think you're not getting anything, but what are we getting fakes?

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: Well, so look, the, I'm not saying anything.

Speaker 1: My face is still, I'm just going to sit there and listen to you.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: That is a very valid character strategy when being told your little one inside has been told you're not good enough.

Speaker 1: I don't believe in you.

Speaker 1: You either, again, you weren't good enough in the past.

Speaker 1: You're definitely not good enough right now.

Speaker 1: In fact, you're so not good enough right now.

Speaker 1: I have to say these things to you and I have almost zero trust that you are going to be good enough in the future.

Speaker 1: You're definitely going to disappoint me in the future.

Speaker 1: So look, his, his big one, his character strategy sits there.

Speaker 1: You know, nonchalant everything's okay.

Speaker 1: Of course, that's how he's learned to survive.

Speaker 1: That's his character strategy does.

Speaker 1: In the face of the little one inside him hearing, Oh, I wasn't enough in the past, which is familiar to me because have I heard this all my life, no matter how well he's managed to deny that pain is inside of him, nevermind show other people that pains inside of them.

Speaker 1: I'm actually being told again right now in this moment, I'm not enough.

Speaker 1: And Oh my God, this person is telling me, even if we did go on another date, I probably will be a disappointment for them tomorrow on the next day too.

Speaker 1: And Jesus, I better meet their expectations or I am going to live my worst nightmare of being not enough for my person for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1: So what does he do to avoid being in that pain as the worst pain he had in his childhood to the worst pain right now, to the worst pain you could imagine in the future, he protects himself, goes into character strategy.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 1: What else do you got to say?

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Totally makes sense.

Speaker 1: Now, this is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: Like, we don't even have to know the context.

Speaker 1: I say those two people, very, very typical presentation of a couple, even if it looks slightly different, right?

Speaker 1: Different cultural expression of, I don't feel loved.

Speaker 1: I'm hurting.

Speaker 1: And I'm going to protest it by warning you don't mess with me.

Speaker 1: Don't disappoint me.

Speaker 1: And Oh Jesus, I'm being told I'm not enough again.

Speaker 1: I know this pain, this is really scary.

Speaker 1: And I'm going to protest by looking still faced or yeah.

Speaker 1: What else you got?

Speaker 1: Which of course, when I do that, it's going to make like the woman in this video feel even more.

Speaker 1: I was right to protest like that.

Speaker 1: You see, he's not even here now because the way his character strategy to actually look like doesn't even bother me.

Speaker 1: Doesn't impact me.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But of course he's more competent than me.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: At looking like, well, don't care.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like that scares her even more.

Speaker 1: I'm even more right.

Speaker 1: He's not here even now when I'm saying these things, he's just sitting there passively.

Speaker 2: He's not supporting me the way that I want to receive in this situation.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: So his strategy to make sure he doesn't feel the depths of his, Oh Jesus, I've been told I'm not enough.

Speaker 1: I'm unacceptable.

Speaker 1: I'm not believed in of being still face look nonchalant actually confirms for her, he's not going to be here for me.

Speaker 1: He's not going to choose.

Speaker 1: Not going to prioritize me.

Speaker 1: He won't actually even meet me right now as I'm making this protest.

Speaker 1: So she actually gets even more in touch with her.

Speaker 1: I'm not going to be loved the way I long to, so she's going to increase her energy and have even more colorful metaphors, right.

Speaker 1: For how she protests like you better love me or else, which will make him even more scared.

Speaker 1: He's not going to be good enough.

Speaker 2: And he's going to look even more nonchalant, more distant, more still face, putting myself in the shoes of the original meme, which I keep going back to, I'm going to walk into a situation and I'm going to assert my standards for like what I want in a relationship.

Speaker 2: And then if the other person doesn't accept it, then that's on them.

Speaker 2: And if they do accept it, then great.

Speaker 2: I'm not going to have to suffer in relationship, which are two outcomes that are somewhat limited in perspective, because in the first situation you enter and they don't accept you, it's not like you can really detach yourself from the rejection or like the lack of support, you're still going to feel it.

Speaker 2: And in the other situation where they do support you in the way that you're looking for sometime down the line, they're not going to be good enough in that way and you're going to again, feel hurt.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: Look, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for both of them.

Speaker 1: And look, dating is really scary.

Speaker 1: It's really vulnerable to put yourself out there and risk, will you choose me?

Speaker 1: So it makes sense.

Speaker 1: She risks, will you choose me from a place of competence and strength?

Speaker 1: She uses her protector of her little girl to say, will you choose me?

Speaker 1: It makes sense in theory, but you know, you've heard me say before, it's like throwing a boomerang.

Speaker 1: You know what?

Speaker 1: I'm going to ask to be chosen, but I'm going to ask to be chosen from my competent place, my protester place.

Speaker 1: Well, guess what happens?

Speaker 1: It guts your partner, leaves them feeling unacceptable and scared.

Speaker 1: They're not safe with you.

Speaker 1: And so now they will look on the outside, like they're abandoning you, right?

Speaker 1: They're going to look nonchalant, like they're not here right now.

Speaker 1: And your boomerang, basically you throw it guts, the other person scares the living daylights out of them.

Speaker 1: And now they look like they're not there for you.

Speaker 1: And you get even more of the not chosenness being abandoned that you were trying to avoid in the first place, but it actually confirms for you.

Speaker 1: See, I'm right to protect myself.

Speaker 1: Now let's play it the other direction, right?

Speaker 1: Let's start with, he looks nonchalant.

Speaker 1: I don't care.

Speaker 1: I don't even mind being unacceptable.

Speaker 1: He looks like that on the outside.

Speaker 1: So that's him throwing the boomerang.

Speaker 1: It terrifies the person he's having dinner with.

Speaker 1: You're not actually going to be here.

Speaker 1: I can't trust you to choose me.

Speaker 1: So now she starts talking from a place of her protector.

Speaker 1: You better choose me.

Speaker 1: I deserve it.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And not even going to try and copy her.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like there's no way with my Irish accent.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But you know, she liked the way she says it, which of course is going to make them feel even more scared.

Speaker 1: There's no way I'll be acceptable.

Speaker 1: Like me being me is not going to be enough for this person.

Speaker 1: So they're both throwing boomerangs at exactly the same time.

Speaker 1: They're both gutting the other person.

Speaker 1: And now they get hit with their own boomerang back in the face.

Speaker 1: So this is the thing.

Speaker 1: It's actually very sad for both of them.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And a lot of people are locked.

Speaker 1: I'm not saying these two people, we don't know them.

Speaker 1: But they're locked in.

Speaker 1: This is how they're meeting the world all the time.

Speaker 1: They're protectors.

Speaker 1: Their character strategies are in relationship with other people.

Speaker 1: And it's actually very sad for the vulnerable ones inside them because those vulnerable ones inside them aren't known to themselves.

Speaker 1: They're doing their best not to know the vulnerable one inside themselves.

Speaker 1: And they're not known to other people that they actually could give the vulnerable self inside himself and another person, the opportunity to actually get the love they need.

Speaker 1: So a lot of people are perpetuating this tragedy over and over and over and over again, and this is what's happening in most couples when we meet them for a first session, they've been doing some version of this over and over and over and over and over again, right?

Speaker 1: Talking to each other from their protector parts, their character strategy parts, their protesters.

Speaker 1: And actually the more they do it, the further away they get from having the most vulnerable ones inside of themselves that deserve love the most need love the most from having a chance to actually be loved.

Speaker 1: So this scene, it is hilarious.

Speaker 1: Anyone that's laughing at it, do not feel guilty about laughing at it.

Speaker 1: It's brilliant.

Speaker 1: It's brilliant.

Speaker 1: But what makes it funny is remember what's the best definition of comedy?

Speaker 1: It's tragedy plus time.

Speaker 1: It is funny.

Speaker 1: And at the same time, it's a tragedy.

Speaker 1: We have two people, two heartbroken people, right?

Speaker 1: I'm never going to be chosen and I'm never going to be good enough.

Speaker 1: And both of them project to the other person that which the other person is most scared of.

Speaker 1: And so they both end up continuing to be heartbroken people, right?

Speaker 1: It is so sad.

Speaker 1: Now, what's the way out of that?

Speaker 1: If those two people came to my office, the first thing I would do is just what we just did.

Speaker 1: I would try to get them to see what just happened.

Speaker 1: We would replay the video, a metaphorical video, a metaphorical video.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But, you know, we would go through it and I would see if I could help them see what just happened between them the way I just described to you.

Speaker 1: Hey, it makes sense.

Speaker 1: You're heartbroken that you would have come out swing and protecting yourself.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Crack my eggs.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And it makes sense that that's really scary for you.

Speaker 1: And you would have looked so nonchalant.

Speaker 1: But when you look nonchalant, it made it more scary for us.

Speaker 1: So, of course, you had to come back with another colorful metaphor and the man that you show up, which would have made it more scary for you.

Speaker 1: And you would have looked like a deer in the headlights, which would have made it.

Speaker 1: Oh, my God.

Speaker 1: Look how you both scared to live in daylights out of each other.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: You both got scared.

Speaker 1: You both scared to live in daylights out of each other.

Speaker 1: How sad for both of you.

Speaker 1: Look, with this couple, it may never, ever, ever, ever happen.

Speaker 1: But I will die trying, trying to get that couple to live inside.

Speaker 1: This is how we understand this scene.

Speaker 1: Let's say you watch that scene and you're like, no, she's absolutely right.

Speaker 1: Or you watch that scene and that guy was right to say nothing to her.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: There is no happy ending for the woman, for you or for the man, if you end up with that one way understanding of what just happened, this is a tragedy for both these people.

Speaker 1: And it would be a tragedy for you if you only leave that scene where I'm team her or I'm team him.

Speaker 1: So step one, get the couple to see.

Speaker 1: Oh, my God, I see how this is a tragedy for both of us.

Speaker 1: I see how we're both hurting.

Speaker 1: We both hurt each other.

Speaker 1: Right now, let's say we succeeded at that, like that they both understand.

Speaker 1: Look, I see.

Speaker 1: Look, I'm so scared.

Speaker 1: I won't be chosen that I come out really strong with the man's to be having eggs crack and he's like, look, I got so scared.

Speaker 1: I'll disappoint you that I look like Mr. Nonchalant pants.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Again, they'd say it better than me.

Speaker 1: All right.

Speaker 1: And so let's say we got them there and they hugged each other.

Speaker 1: They're like, I want to be enough for you.

Speaker 1: Like, I just want to be chosen for you.

Speaker 1: And they were hugging each other.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, great.

Speaker 1: That's the first step of the journey.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And by the way, look, listen, that could take 50 sessions, hopefully one, but it could take 50, right.

Speaker 1: Or never.

Speaker 1: We won't ever succeed.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But let's say we succeeded somewhere between one and 50.

Speaker 1: We get there.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Typically, we would try and access him first.

Speaker 1: But let's just because she did all the talk.

Speaker 1: And now I could try and access like validate her.

Speaker 1: Like, wow, you're really good at protesting and not letting yourself get hurt when it looks like you may not be chosen, like, you know, fist bump.

Speaker 1: Well done.

Speaker 1: But I'm wondering, is there another one inside you that gets really hurt and is really scared?

Speaker 1: But because now it's safe that it looks like he's actually here.

Speaker 1: We're a team and now we see both of us get hurt.

Speaker 1: Now it could be safe for her to access.

Speaker 1: You know, I've been hurt before and I get really scared and I can now get her to ask, hey, I'm scared you won't be here for me.

Speaker 1: And I've been hurt before.

Speaker 1: Will you be here?

Speaker 1: The exact same request.

Speaker 1: But we get her to ask from the vulnerable place.

Speaker 1: Notice I wouldn't ask her to ask from the vulnerable place until they know it's both of us, we both scare each other, we both are scared.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: It's only then it's safe to get her to just be a scared person because I've been so hurt before and you're important to me and I'm worried I'm going to get hurt with you right where that woman that who can look so fierce, we would have her be her little girl who was here way before she became a fierce one.

Speaker 1: Like I actually have been hurt before and I'm scared I'm going to be hurt again.

Speaker 1: And she asked from down in the scared one.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Gives him a chance to be good enough to be there for her now, right, where he gets to be enough and she gets to be chosen.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So that's like, you know, they hug each other and like, look at this.

Speaker 1: He's here.

Speaker 1: You ask for it from the vulnerable place and you get to be enough and they get to live in that moment with each other.

Speaker 1: We have one data point that starts to undo all the past data points of there's no way I can be vulnerable and ask for my needs to be met and someone actually show up.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: And he gets to have a data point where I actually was able to show up, be there and be enough.

Speaker 1: And it starts to undo all the past stories of it's not safe to be our vulnerable selves and reach out and meet each other.

Speaker 2: Yeah, because if you're thinking about, like the reason that she walks into a date with that perspective is all the past data points.

Speaker 2: So now she's walking into the next one with a different at least one.

Speaker 2: You got one.

Speaker 1: We got one.

Speaker 1: And that one goes in, goes back into the past memory banks and starts to infect the past files.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So it starts to make the world a little safer that I don't have to be fiercely protecting myself.

Speaker 1: Just it's just one.

Speaker 1: We might have to do it a few times.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: But it's like maybe I'm living in a safer world than I thought I was before, because we do have this example of I could share with someone I'm hurting, I'm scared, I need you.

Speaker 1: And they actually show up.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: That's huge.

Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: We don't have to change the past.

Speaker 1: We just have to change the present moment.

Speaker 1: And then this present moment goes back and infects all the files of the past.

Speaker 1: That's the magic of experiential psychotherapy.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: It is crazy.

Speaker 1: Do you get to change your past by changing a present moment?

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Transform a present moment.

Speaker 1: We heal the past and we give you a better new future.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Amazing.

Speaker 1: Now with him, we will then do the same.

Speaker 1: We're like, hey, Mr. Nonchalant Pants, totally respect how cool you are.

Speaker 1: And I have a funny feeling there's someone else in there that it hurts when she's telling you, like, I'm pretty sure you're about to disappoint me.

Speaker 1: Show up or don't bother.

Speaker 1: So now I can actually give him that evocative statement for her.

Speaker 1: And instead of him just being nonchalant, we might access how scary it is for him.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: That I know what it is to be a disappointment in the past.

Speaker 1: It sure looks like I'm a disappointment already now, and I'm pretty sure I'll be a disappointment in the future.

Speaker 1: And so that person that's living in, I was a disappointment in the past.

Speaker 1: I'm a disappointment now and I will be a disappointment in the future.

Speaker 1: That's an incredibly painful, scary, vulnerable place of suffering.

Speaker 1: So we could actually get that part of them who's really at the core of who he is.

Speaker 1: He's not Mr. Nonchalant Pants at all, no matter how good he is at looking like it.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: We could get him to actually feel that and share that part with her, right, because now she's a little calmer.

Speaker 1: I know you're actually here.

Speaker 1: You could share that part.

Speaker 1: And is there any way I could be enough for you?

Speaker 1: And she could actually then show up and be there and accept the part of you that you need me and you get scared that I'll be disappointed.

Speaker 1: And she gets to love that part of him.

Speaker 1: He gets to love it in.

Speaker 1: And now he has a single data point.

Speaker 1: Whoa, I don't always have to be Mr. Nonchalant Pants to not get hurt.

Speaker 1: It's actually safe with someone, right, when we go through this process to actually be my scared one of not being good enough and share it and they'll actually show up and love and accept as part of me.

Speaker 1: Now, this present moment file that we've created goes back and transforms his past, all the files in his memory bank, right?

Speaker 1: All the deep files of being a disappointment that I got to be Mr. Nonchalant Pants, right?

Speaker 1: Whoa, maybe I live in a safer world.

Speaker 1: And then most importantly, right now, they both live in a safer world with each other.

Speaker 1: Let's have a video of their date after going through that whole process.

Speaker 2: If only, thanks.

Speaker 1: I know he's here for me.

Speaker 1: I'm enough for her, right?

Speaker 1: Completely different conversation that can happen with any couple and any couple deserves a chance to transform even something like that, where you would go like, oh, I don't think this couple is going to make it.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, like, look, even that couple in that one minute meme, there's a chance we could get them to have that experience.

Speaker 1: And it's not even for the couple, the relationship, but the little ones that are definitely inside of both of them.

Speaker 1: They both will get the love now that those little ones inside of them have needed all their lives.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So we get to heal the hurt of the little ones inside them by transforming the relationship with the present moment partner.

Speaker 1: Anyway, so that's what I wanted to share.

Speaker 1: I thought it was a beautiful video that we can see the entire cycle between two people, very normal presentation, even though it's quite dramatic and funny.

Speaker 1: And it gives us a kind of an entry point on what it is we would actually do to help that couple.

Speaker 1: So last thing, if you're in a relationship where you feel unchosen in some way, it doesn't have to be as dramatic as this.

Speaker 1: Like, you prioritize work over me.

Speaker 1: I want another baby.

Speaker 1: You don't, right?

Speaker 1: Like, you don't take time for me.

Speaker 1: And the other person is like, oh, my God, like, what am I going to find out today?

Speaker 1: How am I in trouble today?

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, there is a way to work through all of this where you end up closer than ever.

Speaker 1: And most people don't know.

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 1: And so literally, you know, we can help walk you through.

Speaker 1: We hear me, Teal, the other therapists at Empathy, other therapists like us, emotionally focused couples, therapists, our online course, yada, yada, yada, right.

Speaker 1: We can help you walk through understanding all of this and help you through this process, end up loving each other, being there for each other in ways beyond anything you could have imagined as possible.

Speaker 1: That's all I had to say about that.

Speaker 2: Well, thank you for sharing, Figgs.

Speaker 2: I didn't know how much insight could come from like 30 second video.

Speaker 2: I'm glad we did this one.

Speaker 1: Oh, good.

Speaker 1: Good, good, good.

Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I'm glad we did it.

Speaker 1: I love that couple.

Speaker 1: And this is really important, right?

Speaker 1: It's funny.

Speaker 1: But when you take a moment to think what's really happening inside them, it gives you a doorway to really love people.

Speaker 1: So this is the weird thing, right?

Speaker 1: Imagine you can do what I just did with this couple.

Speaker 1: You find through their funny behavior or obnoxious behavior or behavior you think is difficult, right underneath that behavior is a hurt one inside and a hurt one inside is worthy of love, is really lovable.

Speaker 1: And if you can find that part of a person inside yourself or in other people, it's so much easier to love people than be annoyed with people.

Speaker 1: It's not even like a good thing for the world.

Speaker 1: It's just easier to walk through life where your final destination with people like you might be annoyed with them, think they're assholes for an hour a day, a week, but like, oh, my God, life is so much easier if you can transform your resting place with that person, be it your partner, your spouse, your kids, your parents, your neighbor, the person that cut you off on the freeway.

Speaker 1: If you can end up with understanding them and actually finding, oh, Jesus, they must have been hurting inside and that part of them that's hurting is worthy of love, look, just for yourself, then there's no morality to it.

Speaker 1: It's just suffer less.

Speaker 1: Just have an easier life.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: So anyway, and of course, it's going to make connection between a couple dramatically easier.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: Suffer less from empathy.

Speaker 1: Suffer.

Speaker 1: Oh, I forgot.

Speaker 1: Remember, I'm trying to say, like, subscribe, comment, like, right, try and help us get the word out.

Speaker 1: We love all the feedback we get.

Speaker 1: It means a lot.

Speaker 1: Right to us.

Speaker 1: If you want us to talk about a topic, you want to come on the show, have me do this with you and your love.

Speaker 1: Are you on your own?

Speaker 1: Talk through your questions.

Speaker 1: You're willing to be recorded.

Speaker 1: I'd be delighted to do it.

Speaker 1: You'd rather Teal do it because she's nicer than me.

Speaker 1: That's OK, too.

Speaker 1: And I understand.

Speaker 1: I'm come to Empathy.com and check out our quiz and course.

Speaker 1: I'm trying to be a better marketer, Steph.

Speaker 1: I feel awkward.

Speaker 2: You're doing a good job, thanks.

Speaker 1: Because we never do.

Speaker 1: We never make any call to action at the end of our videos.

Speaker 2: It's true.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 2: Everyone write your favorite line from her speech.

Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: Oh, my God.

Speaker 2: Was the eggs cracked moment.

Speaker 2: That's the part that's going to stick with me.

Speaker 1: Eggs cracked.

Speaker 1: Eggs cracked.

Speaker 1: But I also like I want my name dropped.

Speaker 1: It took me a split second to understand what she meant.

Speaker 1: Like, I'm just blown away.

Speaker 1: Like, that woman is so smart.

Speaker 1: Right.

Speaker 1: Like, so smart.

Speaker 1: Like that.

Speaker 1: They're the best protests.

Speaker 2: Like, oh, good stuff.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Brilliant.

Speaker 1: Thank you, everyone.

Speaker 1: And we'll be back with another episode.

Speaker 1: Thank you, Steph.

Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to me.

Speaker 1: Jesus, that's why you pay me the big bucks.

Speaker 1: Exactly.

Speaker 1: Bye bye, everyone.

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