In "Breakup Empathy" Figs and Karen examine why empathy is the essential ingredient in their work with couples, even when they part ways.

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"Empathy" in this case is not just a person feeling compassion and understanding their partner, it's the ability for both partners to see the relationship as a whole and experience empathy for each person in the system, together.

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But before it can be experienced, couples will have, say, six beats of time—minutes, hours, days—wherein they cannot control their reactivity and reliance on "the story of other." Even for experienced couples therapists in relationship, the moment is lost.

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It's important for couples to not try and prevent those six beats of reactivity, but to work on reaching "beat seven"—that moment of empathy for themselves, their partner, and both of them together.

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Even when couples therapy clients decide to sever their bond, this empathy is essential for each partner's healthy understanding of relationships and themselves. Otherwise, not only can they carry resentment which negatively affects their future relationships, they may harbor negative core beliefs about themselves such as "I'm too much" and "I'm not enough."

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Couples Therapy Works is a new series from the Come Here To Me team delving into the complex work of couples therapy from the ground up. Each episode will feature one or more of Empathi’s own counselors as they examine the truths and challenges of relationship repair.

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To submit a question for Figs and Karen to answer, email figs@empathi.com or leave a comment on YouTube or Apple Podcasts.

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for counseling, quizzes, and courses.