Figs: Hi, everyone, thank you for tuning back in to Come Here To Me with Teale–

Teale: and Figs! Oh...

Figs: I mixed it up there. 

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: Wake you up this early morning, here in Hawaii. So we were just talking before we started recording that I always like our introductions that we're not like serious therapists. We're not like, you know, "Oh, let's share some beautiful messages about our love with each other, like, you know, and try and be irreverent and funny. But we don't feel very funny this morning. 

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: I'm really worried that we're not able to do like a funny, light hearted introduction.

Teale: Yeah, me too. I feel like a very unfunny me-ness embodied. 

Figs: Exactly.

Teale: I don't know what's going on. I mean, I like it. It's just me. It's me on a Friday morning. 

Figs: Exactly. But I love you and accept you even though you're not funny right now.

Teale: Now we're starting to do this therapist love messages. [Laughing]

Figs: Oh that's what we said we wouldn't do.

Teale: [Laughing] Exactly.

Figs: Yes. Well, look, the good news is I think what we'll do is, we'll go to the clip of the therapy session that we're going to share with you today quicker because we are in our unfunny selves at this moment. So this episode we're going to share with you one of our therapy sessions, our own personal couples therapy sessions. And in this episode, it's kind of like, if you remember the last therapy session we shared with you, we went into a really, really deep like what we call, remember, "the cycle" which is like a fight, disconnected moment. Teale was really upset with me. And we basically were able to resolve it in what felt like a really beautiful, meaningful way for us.

Teale: Yes. It was! There were some big insights. And so we start to kind of, you know, think about that. We really take some time and process it, actually, in this next session.

Figs: Yeah, mhm.

Teale: Which I think is good. We needed to meta-process. There's so many rich pieces.

Figs: Exactly. And "meta-process," by the way, is just a way of talking about when you're integrating what already happened. I don't know if he explained that before, right. So it's a really important part of the process is meta-processing. Right, meaning like, "Oh, we've already had an experience. And now we talk about the experience, like in the past tense. And that's where we're integrating the learning." So, and just a reminder, in the previous session, basically Teale and I had gotten into a fight because I was mean to you about the person you've sent me to interview for a new therapist position on our team. Like, not only were they not qualified, like, they weren't interested. Which was just weird. And then of course, I was rude to you when I expressed my, "Hello, who was that? What was that about?" I was kind of mean. And so you know, the last session, we processed the fight where you were rightly upset with me. And I thought we got to such a beautiful, powerful moment of feeling more connected to each other in that session. And it was really lovely to re-witness in this session, us kind of process through just what a big deal it was for us, you know, to be able to get to a place after fighting so badly where we felt even more connected to each other than ever. 

Teale: Absolutely. I mean, I think one of the things that I was really taken with was this ability of myself, finally — like a real life version of it — to be able to see, "Holy crap, when I think I'm sharing my sadness," like I feel so sad and so desperate inside, I get really convinced that I am sharing that sadness. But I had that felt sense moment of, "Oh no," [laughing], "This does not look like sadness to Figs. This looks like, you know," we use the word, "Reject-y." The very critical and rejecting and disdainful way of sharing my sadness. And so I feel like it's helped our relationship. I have more empathy for your hurt parts. And I'm just kind of watching myself. Just, I'm really curious about that. It's not like I fully evolved around it, but just like I'm thinking about it.

Figs: Right. No, look, and I really love and appreciate your willingness to look at yourself, see, "Look, what I'm feeling and how I think I'm communicating is different from how it's actually being received." Just amazing. By far the greatest quality I could ever want in a partner. Honestly. Like your willingness and ability to be curious about yourself, see yourself in a different light. Woo. Like, talk about my biggest wish come true. 

Teale: Are you getting chills right now?

Figs: I'm getting chills.

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: [Mimicking shivering] Oh that's so sexy. 

Teale: [Growls]

Figs: Okay. 

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: Again, you always try and take it from PC to like X-rated. 

Teale: [Laughing] Like, [growls]

Figs: That was a little bit too animal.

Teale: I want to know what you've been watching. 

Figs: Well, I'm gonna, like, keep my private viewings private. 

Teale: You've been watching me in the shower, that's what I was getting at, silly. 

Figs: Oh okay, like I thought you were like talking about my own private viewing time.

Teale: I was.

Figs: Bunny rabbits.

Teale: Both. [Laughing]

Figs: You know, the furry conventions that I go to. 

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: But wait a second, so, come here. There's three main things like I'm gonna make 'em up right now. I committed to three.

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: Three things I want you to look for in the session, right? One is this place again, where, look, it both of us hurting. It wasn't enough for it just to be Teale hurting and me being there for her, as we process through the previous session. I actually needed to hit my hurt place, too, for us to be able to feel more connected to each other. What you just said is huge, right? Being able to see, when Teale thought she was only sharing her sadness, she now gets to see, "Holy crap, I wasn't just sad. It was all also mixed, where I was blaming and criticizing and rejecting Figs." 

Teale: Right.

Figs: Huge. So she's able to see, "It makes sense, I was hurting." And then of course for me, the individual like integration for me is to be able to see, "Hey, look, it's not enough for me just to try and be Mr. Competent Pants and just be there for Teale and apologize when I've heard her feelings. It's actually essential I get in touch with how much I'm hurting inside being the person being rejected. That, me hurting is what got you, Teale, out of your aloneness. 

Teale: So, so crucial in those moments. 

Figs: It's great. So watch the clip. You get to see us integrate and come to these realizations ourselves. And let's talk again on the other side of you having to suffer through listening to us and watching us. 

Teale: [Laughing]

[08:03 Session Begins]

Figs: So let me, if I could be so bold, here's what I got from the last session. It just really helped me to understand this for both of us is that I had said I was hurt deep down inside, you know, and I felt like I couldn't rely on you, I was alone with everything. I was reactive, I hurt your feelings, you felt really hurt, and you were mad at me. And then it seemed like there was no way back. Right? And then in the session, we started off the session with trying to really, really just be there for your hurting and give space for your anger and see if I could love you and care for you, and validating you, that we could do that really well. And then, while it was good — it's not like like none of that was wasted — then, so I guess we would just say theoretically, like if I was the therapist, what I know would be missing is, "Here's Figs trying to be there for Teale, but where's the part of 'im that must be hurting in this situation?" 

Therapist: And you brought that up.

Figs: What's that? 

Therapist: You brought that up very effectively.

Figs: Exactly. No, I didn't want to do that. But I kind of knew like, "Look what's missing here is right now I'm being relatively competent, not really that affected. I'm protecting myself in some way 'cause Teale is mad at me and she's really hurt and I'm just trying to be there for her." But that's really lopsided. That's not actually the way I see things get better so I'm like, "Oh shit, I think I know what needs to happen." But that means walking into the gates of the alligator, right? In a way, right?

Teale: Can I just add, and it was not effective for me. Like you were doing the right stuff but still, I just felt so numb.

Figs: But you were so great at articulating that, "It's not working. You're being there for me and I can't get out of it." And I don't know if you said like, "I really want to get out of it." But so then I was like– and so all of that was to get to– this is where things became really juicy for me. I hate that expression but we used it.

Teale: I like it.

Figs: I know, it's just such a like–

Teale: It's like so sexual.

Figs: Yeah, maybe that's it. 

Teale: Nothing wrong with that.

Figs: It's so squi–

Teale: So squishy. [Laughing]

Figs: Okay. 

Therapist: [Laughing]

Figs: But sorry–

Therapist: There's the healing.

Figs: Exactly. So here's where I think that for me like this is where, because of this context and you being here, I was able to make a conscious decision, "I'm going to share about the way I get hurt when you're mad at me and it looks like there's no way back." But as I've kind of gone, "Okay, I'll let myself access that and feel it. I'll actually look for it." I notice then that the first thing that happened, I was angry about it. Like, you know, I felt the hurt, but actually almost like woo, a natural process was rising with heat and being pissed. So this is the first thing. That was really important to notice. Like it almost — and this is where it's always going to be messy — it almost was essential that I was hurt and angry. But obviously, with enough awareness to be able to name both them, and then be willing to move back down. So then I was able to feel just how much it really hurts, how bad I could feel about myself, and how much I feel rejected. And then that leaves me not trusting Teale. Like I really feel like you're not someone that I would trust with my heart, right? Because you don't like me. And that's where I, you know, I go to Alaska, that I'm really isolated. But in the sharing that part of myself, that is what then broke you out of, "I'm numb and I can't get out of it."

Teale: Yeah, right. 

Figs: And then we were able to connect with each other, as opposed to you just being there for me, or me just being there for you.

Teale: Yes.

Figs: We were able to do the part of a duet where we're both singing, [singing] "We're both  hurting." 

Teale: [Laughing] 

Therapist: Yeah.

Figs: Right? 

Teale: [Singing]

Figs: [Singing] And that's where it ended. And so that, for me, it's just really great to feel that. It's great to feel just that, you know, that it's both of our pain is necessary to make things better. I can't actually just– look, every now and again, it makes sense, I'm hurting Teale's just there for me. But when we're in the big disconnected moments, you kind of have to be, we're both hurt.

Therapist: I don't think it's just the both hurting that made it effective. I think what made it effective was it was you both were hurting and not abandoning yourselves, both of you.

Figs: Right. We weren't abandoning ourselves, but also able to see, right, that we were hurting because we mean so much to each other, right? 

Therapist: Yeah.

Teale: Absolutely.

Figs: We're so important to each other. 

Teale: Yeah.

Figs: Which was amazing, right? It was great to feel that. But just this thing that is just– and I know I might be repeating myself, but the thing that I really — because you know when I get stuck and I'm on my own and I'll settle in there even though it feels bad — I think this is the key decision point would be to maybe sooner let myself hurt or feel the hurt and share it even if it's I'm going to be angry or messy for a little bit right, but then be able to come back down to just like, "I really feel rejected and hurt." 

Therapist: That's the integration piece we talked about at the end. 

Figs: Exactly.

Therapist: And the integration will let you actually deliver it in a different way to Teale. 

Figs: Right. And you being here just felt like it was a little safer to do. Because that part of me, you know, that often feels, "Well, look if I did tell you I'm hurting–" you know, when we're in a fight I feel like you have a rebuttal for everything. "See? You're about to try and just apologize but you don't– [Tsking] See? Here you are talking about the way you're hurting when I'm–" Like in a fight I feel like every path is blocked off.

Teale: So dangerous.

Figs: But it wasn't, right, you know, during the session as dangerous.

Therapist: Well, let me check with Teale, because what I felt in the session was that it was important that we actually gave her some time to share her hurt.

Figs: It's true, yeah.

Therapist: And both were kind of giving her some compassion and listening to her. Is that right, Teale?

Teale: Yeah, I think that's true. It felt really good. I mean, I think it was just healing for me even though I didn't feel good in those moments, but it was just like I really got to, you know, take up some space. Then you were just really there for me. Not that that never happens because I do think that that's happened but it was like I got to have a lot longer time and then you are really loving to me too.

Figs: You went really deep into the unlovable place. 

Teale: Mhm. Exactly. 

Figs: And stayed there for a while. 

Teale: Yeah.

Figs: Which was great. 

Teale: Yeah.

Figs: I mean great, not great.

Teale: No, it was great. Totally. Felt like it was very, you know, raw and I actually didn't feel raw for very long, like it kind of integrated and moved forward. I think it's been major for me. Like I described how he was looking at me when he was feeling the anger as kind of like a cat in the grass, when it's like watching something, it wants to pounce, and just, its tail is going back and forth. Like, I experienced, like, just flashes of real anger, as he was going through that, but then I would see his eyes get soft, and then kind of go back. So I was really just admiring and appreciating the way that you were able to kind of have both going on and keeping me in touch. And yeah, it's been good, you know?

Therapist: Are there two sides to your internal response as well, Teale, that you're trying to integrate? I'm just trying to understand.

Teale: Yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's a good question. Yeah, I mean, I think it's really, really important to recognize that when I'm– like, that was a learning moment for me to recognize that in my hurt, right, I really sound very disdainful of Figs. And so just like Figs is saying how he's kind of wanting to build towards, "Oh, could I get in touch with my hurt a little bit sooner, and then maybe share that even, even if it comes out as anger, and be kinda messy with it," it's kind of like, I think I just want to stay connected to my hurt a little bit. And recognize how it comes out. That it's so aggressive in those moments for him, and it really, really made sense to me. Wow. And I saw his hurt. So it's like, I'm working, I think, to integrate my hurt and how it just comes out. And really recognizing that it can really propel a negative cycle for us. And that it really hurts him.

Therapist: And your hurt can flip into some anger or some rejecting. 

Teale: Well, yeah, my hurt can look very reject– 

Figs: Reject-y.

Therapist: It looks rejecting.

Teale: Reject-y. [Laughing] Yeah.

Therapist: [Laughing]

Teale: And I really could see that. I could really see that. And so, I keep wanting to say like, "I'll work on that." It's so major for me. I think I just need to continue to kind of like–

Figs: Well,

Teale: I'm not putting the pressure on myself.

Figs: And this is where hopefully, I'm more, even just getting it, it feels really significant and huge for me to hear you say like, "I can kind of see that when I'm hurting and I feel like I'm just hurting, now when I get to see and hear my words, what the words are coming out of my mouth and my energy, that I get why that would leave you feeling rejected and hurt, Figs," right? Like, I don't expect you to stop doing that. 

Teale: Right.

Figs: But just even that I feel I can trust more that, whether it's in 10 minutes from where the fight starts, or two days later that you'll get to the place you are now where like, "Oh shit. I was really hurt and totally justifiably hurt in relationship to me." But that you'll get to a place, "And I totally get, Figs, how you would have been really hurt while I was really upset and reject-y with you."

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: Right? Like that, to me is huge, right? That's like amazing. Because that's one of the places where I don't see that. That's a big transition for me, because that's part of why I shut down and go well, "I'll just settle in here." Because I don't see any glimmer of that from you. Right where I'm like, you know, really think you are on the victim island all alone.

Teale: Mhm. Yeah I really can see.

Figs: And I'm on the perpetrator Island. 

Therapist: Yeah, you can see how your narrative is deepening of yourself and each other and how they interact and that it's not just conceptual. It's conceptual and it's visceral. It's experiential. So you know it feels true. And then you know, it takes repetition of awareness, but boy starts getting in your blood and you pull yourself out of these cycles much more quickly.

Figs: Exactly, yeah.

Therapist: Teale, you said that you process stuff on the next level in this last week because of the last session. Can you explain that? What do you mean by that?

Teale: I mean, I think just understanding Figs' hurt and recognizing how my reactivity really shows up in the relationship.

Figs: When you're really hurting. 

Teale: When I'm really hurting, yeah. It's that I just understood that because I had this experiential moment. And, you know, I think it carried into yesterday a little bit. I mean, I think part of the problem is like, I got your hurt so badly, like, I got it so intensely.

Figs: Like you understood that I was hurt. 

Teale: I understood your hurt so intensely. And you were like really explicit, you were really mad. But you said at one point yesterday, you said, "I just can't trust you. That you really like me." And I was just like, "Oh, my God, I can just see it so badly." So I think it was almost to a fault that, I mean, I'm very, I'm a pretty empathic person. [Laughing] And so I was just like, "Oh my God, I want to, like make that right." And that part of my obsessive like, you know, can we make this right is because I wanted to heal that feeling for you. And that would make me on your inner circle again, which is all I want. Like, it's so hard to be outside of your inner circle. 

Therapist: Yeah. I wonder figs when you say, "I just can't trust you," if the impact of that is kind of global, and whether you mean to have it be that way? 

Figs: Well… let me just– I want to answer that, I'm just stuck on this thing. 

Teale: Yeah.

Figs: I think the one thing that isn't being said that is inherent in what you're saying that I think is huge, is I feel like you're able to trust more now that I'm hurting because you have such a big impact on me, which means you really are very important to me. 

Teale: Yeah. 

Figs: You know what I mean? That that makes a big difference, I think, in the way you've been able to–

Teale: Can you say it again? 

Figs: Like because I heard so much when it looks like you're rejecting me,

Teale: Yes.

Figs: That it tells you deep down inside that you're actually really loved by me.

Teale: Totally.

Figs: Even though the moment is bad, 

Teale: Yes.

Figs: There's this deeper message that, "Oh, my God, Figs actually does love me because I have this big of an impact on him."

Teale: That is a really good point. And, you know, I think every time I've heard you tell the story about Alaska, like, I've had a block.

Figs: Right, it's a trigger.

Teale: Of, "See? I'm gonna be fucking abandoned. He's gonna get pissed off and he's just gonna–"

Therapist: Right.

Teale: And now that's like, "Oh my god." Like I felt removed from how you get there. And now I feel like, "Oh." Even though I think you've said it. 

Figs: Exactly, it helps you. Yeah that's great.

Teale: I just feel kinda dense, you've said it so many times.

Figs: No, no. I understand why that's a trigger.

Teale: I'm just like, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you." and now I'm like, "Oh, shit."

Figs: Right.

Teale: I really am so important to you, you really care what I think.

Therapist: That's a really good point. That was a good point.

Teale: Yeah.

Figs: And that's what I was trying to say about yesterday, as bad as a disconnection was, I could see there was a quality in you where you really were like, "Not only can I see Figs is hurting, but he's hurting because I really had this big impact on him. Because like, I am so important that way."

Teale: Yeah. 

Figs: So that was really huge, right? And yes. You know, needing a little bit of time is a work in progress.

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: It doesn't have to be resolved this second.

Teale: But going back, can I say something about that?

Figs: Yeah. 

Teale: Is that, I think that when you said, "I can't trust that you really like me, I can't trust you. I can't trust that you really like me," like, it felt so aggressive and I felt so blamed for a second and then I was like, "Oh my god. You don't think I like you." And it totally made sense why you felt like that because of that moment. 

Figs: Yeah, well, I think it's a really, really deep wound for me. I think again, firstly, culturally, when a kid is acting out in Ireland, you tell them, "Don't be bold." So the word we use for being bad is, "Bold." And so you know, like bold, like being brave and trying stuff. So on the one hand, it's actually admirable to have a bold child. Like, you know, your parents. 

Therapist: But you tell them not to be.

Figs: Yeah, you tell them don't be bold, but it's actually really a great thing. If you had a kid that like, you know, played a great trick on their teacher or something, you know, there's a great pride in having a bold, mischievous child.

Therapist: It's kinda like, "That kid's gonna survive," right? 

Figs: Exactly right. But there's a real value in personality and being big and gregarious and storytelling. And on the flip side, there is always a shadow to that, if you get too big for your britches, you're going to be torn down. Right, you will be put in your place. I have a lot of wounding around, it's not safe to be truly in my alive business or in flow because it will be interrupted with criticism. I'll be too big, it'll be threatening. And so that just really hurts. And so I don't, on a deep, deep level, I don't really feel — like I know I can be funny, I can be engaging, and people can enjoy being around me — but I don't ever really feel liked. These are just qualities and stuff. But I'm always waiting to be rejected. 

Therapist: Or criticized. 

Figs: Yeah, well, you know, sa–

Therapist: Same thing.

Teale: Can I just add to this? 

Figs: Yeah. 

Teale: And I know it's a really deep, deep place for you. 

Figs: Yeah. 

Teale: And I'm just grateful that you're talking about it. And I don't know if you noticed, but like, I like changed my body position. And it helps me to have you remind me that this is part of what was happening yesterday. And I think that I'm just remembering that, you know, a couple of weeks ago, you were feeling really in touch with how special I think you are. I'm conscious of the time right now, and I'm ner– and I want to be able to hold you in the bothness, is that sometimes, and more recently, I think maybe in the last year — and you can let me know, it doesn't have to be true, this is how I'm seeing it — is that sometimes you have felt really special and really seen by me. And that sometimes you really don't. And that you really didn't yesterday, and we've had a couple negative moments presenting, and that I hear, and it's helping me integrate even more how hurt you were, and how uncelebrated you feel in those moments. And that's something I want to make space for. So kind of like how you made space for me last session, this is where I would want to just be like, really, like, be in that moment. And for the sake of just wrapping it into our cycle, I also want to recognize that, you know, and this is part of what we shared yesterday is that, you're so special to me. And I actually empathize, I know what it's like to be big. 

Figs: Right.

Teale: And to be bold, and to be threatening for other people or women or men or whatever. And I don't know it exactly like you, but I can empathize. And that there was a moment a rupture that happened between us where I see that you didn't feel celebrated and held and okay and accepted and that you could trust that I really liked that part of you. That you were special, and that it was okay. And I was there for it. Because I kind of protested and I protested. I'll just name the moment, because I was worried that I wasn't. I had my own insecurities come up. And I actually tried to name that right before and that, "Am I really special to you?" 

Figs: Right.

Teale: But you felt like I wasn't letting you be special. And I was like, "Well, I'm also scared that I'm not important to you." So I'm just wrapping up a cycle perspective. Is that okay? 

Figs: Yeah. 

Therapist: Mhm.

Figs: No, of course, of course. 

[30:38 Session Ends]

Teale: You know, just as I even watch this again, it feels so new to me. Even after you know, having a pretty conscious relationship for eight years now with you. Conscious with lots of struggles, lots of change, lots of joy and celebration. And lots of communication and working through our fights. I still feel like I'm just getting, like I'm a baby dinosaur emerging from an egg right now. 

Figs: [Laughing]

Teale: That's like, "Wow." 

Figs: "Baby dinosaur," I love it. Go on.

Teale: It feels so new. I even see myself again, kind of claiming this reactivity of mine. 

Figs: Yeah. 

Teale: But like how have I not felt and seen this before? I don't want to be down on myself. I'm not being like, "Oh, I'm so dense." I mean, I do think I'm dense sometimes. 

Figs: I'm saying nothing. 

Teale: [Laughing] But I'm not like self-deprecating, I really am just taking it in. I feel so convinced in these moments that I'm just this like, hurt person, and I'm just really wanting you to get it. And, "Why aren't you getting it? Why are you coming and being there?" And this time, you really did come be there. You really were such a good Fig. 

Figs: In terms of the previous session.

Teale: The previous session. It's just, I'm having waves of the dawning of this understanding. And it was pretty powerful for me, just in, you know, I think I can be such hot shit, which by the way, I am but–

[Pausing]

Figs: Yes!

Teale: You need to say something. Okay. [Laughing]

Figs: Yes, you are hot shit.

Teale: [Laughing] But then I really just can be kind of an a-hole. 

Figs: Exactly. And by the way, every guy, I don't know, in the middle and emotional withdrawer listening, they pick up on, "Figs, you're in trouble. As soon as Teale said she was hot shit, you have to jump in, 'Yes!'" 

Teale: The pause.

Figs: "Quick!" 

Teale: The pause,

Figs: Yeah.

Teale: It was something.

Figs: Figs you better fill that gap or pause with some affirmation.

Teale: You better fill that void. You'd better fill that dinosaur egg like–

Figs: "I love you!"

Teale: "I love you,"

Figs: "You're my priority."

Teale: "You are the hottest shit I have ever been with or seen or ever will be."

Figs: Exactly. I wouldn't– Oh god. I almost forgot. 

Teale: Stop, just stop. You can get yourself out of this.

Figs: I was trying to name a celebrity that I wouldn't pick over you. 

Teale: Okay.

Figs: This is going to turn into a processing–

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: session. Anyway, but so again, just to add to your point, three main things to take away from this, right? You get to see this process like, "Wow, we got into this fight. It was awful. We couldn't get out of it. But we ended up closer to each other." That's huge to trust that your fights are actually opportunities, right? And you get to see us actually feel that way. What you're saying is like, "Hey, this is huge for those of you in relationship that can feel, 'I'm the one that's hurt. And you're not there for me,'" is being able to– yes, that is true. And then there's another side of it, which is you know, "God, when I'm hurt, I am actually reject-y or I'm very critical." What you're doing right now, modeling for people your ability to see both parts? "Yes, I'm hurt. It makes sense I'm hurt." Because I was mean to you, there's no two ways about it. "But you know, when I'm hurt, how I come across is actually kind of hurtful, too." 

Teale: Absolutely. 

Figs: Being able to see that about yourself? Amazing. You are an incredible example for the people. 

Teale: This is where I get to be the goddess. Figs sees me right now. 

Figs: Yeah! This is true. Look, it's an incredibly attractive quality. 

Teale: I love that I have a partner that thinks that.

Figs: No, exactly. 

Teale: That's amazing.

Figs: On top of you being better looking than Jennifer Lopez, you also have this ability to be curious about yourself, which I bet you you have 20 million times more than Jennifer.

Teale: Love you J-Lo.

Figs: I think of her like first name. She's just Jennifer. 

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: But you know, so, okay, now I'm going to get in trouble. 

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: But the other thing, just to make it like a little balance with me is, to your point about, look, during the last session we're in a fight, like I'm being so good the first half of the session, like "Yes. Oh, you're hurting. I'm here. What can I do to help you?" all of those things are good, and I could look at myself and be really good. But there's this other part of me I'm denying, which is I'm really hurt and feeling rejected. One's ability to actually feel the pain and share the pain, not staying above the fray is hugely important. And look I'm still working on that, not going away not withdrawing not becoming super competent, but actually hurting sooner and sharing that I'm hurting, too.

Teale: Love it and that is the hottest part of you, Figs.

Figs: [Growls]

Teale: [Laughing] So in conclusion, we both want to hurt.

Figs: I'm very hot today. We went from feeling not funny to now we're like super hot, both of us. 

Teale: Wow. 

Figs: Okay.

Teale: Yes.

Figs: This recording is giving us a lot of energy for the day.

Teale: That's right.

Figs: It's on.

Teale: Ohhh.

Figs: Okay, okay. But so–

Teale: No!

Figs: Gone on.

Teale: This was my conclusion.

Figs: Well go on, go on.

Teale: Biatch. Okay. But in conclusion [Laughing]

Figs: "Biatch." Jesus.

Teale: [Laughing] We want to hurt sooner! "Can I stay in the hurt?"

Figs: Exactly. "Hurt sooner," meaning like get out of your reactivity and access your hurt place.

Teale: Yes!

Figs: Even though it'll be mixed together for a while. The journey from getting out of your reactivity to feeling hurt, usually it's you're reactive, and that's mixed with reactivity and hurt to get to just hurt. 

Teale: Exactly. Yeah.

Figs: And then share it for both of us.

Teale: Just a little bit sooner. I think I'm just appreciating this conversation right now. And it's not like, "This is what I want to do better in 2021," it's like I do, I want to just be in contact with the hurt part and know, "Oh, I'm hurting," and that can I like not diffuse that, like very lovable part of me with some of my reactivity that unfortunately pushes you away. 

Figs: Right.

Teale: It's like, "Can I be in the elements as a baby dinosaur out in the rain?" 

Figs: You're back to the baby dinosaur.

Teale: [Laughing] "The wind."

Figs: Where's this dinosaur from?

Teale: because my hair's kinda flat today, I feel like a little emerging baby dinosaur. 

Figs: Hmm. Interesting.

Teale: Don't talk about your hair today.

Figs: Wow. Again, always back to, I'm a bald fig.

Teale: [Laughing]

Figs: Anyway, so look, thank you! Thank you. This feels like, you know — we have more episodes, right — but this feels like a really pivotal moment of just realizing how much we love each other, how important we are, how stuck we can get, and what we both need to work on for the rest of our lives.

Teale: And that we're still working on it. So people just take that home, put it in your back pocket. You know, it's okay. Just one step in front of the other and being gentle with these parts of yourself. Figs and I are like, we do this all the time, we help people all the time. We're working on this really crucial piece. It feels new to us. 

Figs: Yeah.

Teale: Yay. 

Figs: Absolutely. So thank you everyone, and we'll see you in the next episode.

Teale: Keep fighting the good fight. Boom shakalaka!

Figs: Bye.