All couples want to know the solution to their problem. Like if we're talking about “Which country are we going to live in, America or France?” they really want to get to the answer, “Is it America or France?” If we're going to do a prenup, they want the details of the prenup. They want to get to the place where the details of the prenup are finalized. And they want to get there, and they think about that very practically.

Whereas what we try and help people do — and this seems really weird and paradoxical — is we're gonna have this other conversation first. And this other conversation is: We're going to deeply share about our feelings, our fears, the needs we're worried we're not going to get, what our thoughts are, what are the worst things that could happen to us.

And we help a couple have those conversations where we're not trying to find a solution. We're just primarily focused — and we're going to man the doors and the windows, keep everything else out as long as possible — where we just share what our experience is in relationship to prenup, which country we live in...

And so the idea is we help the individual get to know themselves, because they might go, “I want Spain, I want to live in Spain, I want to live in Spain. I want to live in Spain. How do I get to live in Spain?”

But they're not even accessing inside themselves, “I really don't feel safe here in America. I don't feel I belong. I'm really frightened every day. I walk around the city, and Spain holds for me the sense of just like belonging, the smell of paella.” *sniffs* “I want to be back in a place I belong.”

Like, woah! It could be a surprise for the person, never mind their partner. “And I'm scared you won't love me if I suggest we leave for Spain.” There's typically an attachment element to it.

So we just try and get them to feel the feelings and share the feelings.

And then, of course, the other person, to really not be trying to work out how to fix the person or like solve it for them, “Well, let's move to Spain!” Let's just really be with them and feel with them.

Remember, rarely does a solution make things better, what makes things better is connection.

So what we're trying to do is just help the person connect with themselves, help the partner hear them, and then be connected to them as they're having their experience. No problem-solving.

So this is really important, because if you can have that conversation really well — you being you and your partner, you and your best palsy-walsy, help guide a couple have that conversation really well, and you know that's what you're doing,

What emerges out of both people share about, “Why I'd want to live in Spain,” “Why I'd love to live in France,” “What I'm scared would happen,” “How I'm scared how you’ll love me if I say Spain,” “Why I'm scared that if we go to France, you'll be unhappy once were there...”

When we talk about all that stuff and they really empathize with themselves and each other, all of a sudden, a new world emerges that wasn't there before, which is we now have Empathy Squared. We have Compassion Squared.

Empathy squared being I have empathy for me, you, us. Compassion, I've compassion for me, you, us. And if you remember what compassion is, compassion is I have an actual impulse to take action, based on my empathy for you, that I want to do something about it.

So both people having Compassion Squared, they want to now be there for each other. They have access to completely different parts of their brain. All sorts of new problem-solving is available to them that wasn't available before having Empathy Squared. We work on getting them to Empathy Squared. Empathy for me. Empathy for you. Empathy for us.

And then you're trusting — and this is really important — you have to trust, you have to have faith [that] if you do that, people have the problem-solving skills. They have those. Don't worry about trying to give them problem-solving skills. You just get them to the fertile soil where the problem solving skills emerge, standing upon empathy and compassion for me, you and us.

High net worth families, they're like, “I'm worried about our legacy, I'm worried about our prenup, I'm worried about our kids.” We have to do this empathy squared conversation. Their lawyers, financial advisors, all those people can do the problem-solving stuff. But who's helping them do this empathy squared conversation? And it's the most important one.

Because here's the thing. Quick story. Teale and I used to fight every night about who does the dishes. Every night, who does the dishes? I come home from work, Teale’s there with Grace in her arms. I'm like, “I'm so tired. Would you do the dishes tonight?” And she looks at me like, “Are you kidding me? I've been with Grace all day. And you think I'm the one? Do you not value me at all, you chauvinist pig.”

I'm like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I did seven sessions in a row. Like, what do you think I want to do right now?” And I go, “Fine, I'll do the dishes.” And “Never mind, I'll do them.”

So because we were having this fight every night, I got so pissed off, I spent like two weeks on Reddit and ChatGPT and I worked out how to build a time machine.

I tell Teale in the middle of a fight, “Wait one minute!” And I run into our guest bedroom, I jump in the time machine, I set the time machine for 20 minutes into the future. I jump out at a time machine, 20 minutes into the future I hear like Barry White music playing in the kitchen. I look into the kitchen.

We're listening to sexy Barry White music and I am washing the pots and pans. I've made extra bubbles and I'm flingin’ extra bubbles at Teale. Teale is rubbin’ the countertops and she has her like a little cloth and she's flickin’ bubbles back at me like this. We‘re laughin’ and we're drinkin’ French wine. We are having the time of our life.

So I go — [unintelligible] wait! Get back in the time machine, go back 20 minutes. Get out of the time machine, now back in the original time. Run over to Teale, who's still hurt.

And I go to her, “Hey, I know exactly what we'll do. I'm gonna do the pots and pans. We're going to make extra bubbles. I’m gonna fling those bubbles at you. You're going to do the countertop. You're going to fling the bubbles back on me. We're gonna listen to Barry White. We're gonna drink wine. We're gonna have the time of our life.

She looks at me and you know what she says? “Fuck you,” And storms off to the other end of the railroad car San Francisco apartment.

And so I'm like, “What the fuck?” So I go in to the guest bedroom, beat the shit out of the time machine (because I'm Irish, I've got a temper problem). And so I go to bed that night pissed, both Teale and I not talking to each other, sleeping in the same bed. Luckily Grace is in the middle because we're co-sleepers like that.

But then it hits me, about four in the morning. I wake up, I jump upright, and I realize– I realize why the time machine didn't work. We skipped the fucking connection! We did what everyone wants to do. We tried to jump to the solution. Jumping to the solution doesn't work.

Here's the thing, the 20 minutes was when like, “Hey, listen, I can feel really overwhelmed and I feel like I'm all alone with stuff. That's why I wanted you to do the dishes tonight.” And she's like, “Look, I can feel like I'm not valued, and you don't think I'm working when I'm here at home.” And I had empathy for her, she had empathy for me, and we'd empathy for each other. I had compassion for her, she had compassion for me, we had compassion for each other.

Here's the crazy thing: What wasn't available before is now available. I wash the dishes works. She washes the dishes works. We wash the dishes and do weird shit with bubbles works. Nobody fucking washes the dishes tonight works. Its fucking magic!

If you have the connection conversation there is just so many possibilities now that work. All your clients are stuck in trying to have the solution. What they need is to have the connection. And then the solution is gonna be real easy.

And you know where people don't understand, so where are we going? What's the point of this? This is a great way to explain it to people about — like we are gonna get to the solution, but we actually get there faster and deeper and in a way that sticks if we do this connection part first.